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~ Twenty Five Weeks ~

August 15, 2011

Running, running
As fast as we can
Do you think we’ll make it?
Do you think we’ll make it?
We’re running
Keep holding my hand
It’s so we don’t get separated

Forgive me readers.  It has been 14 weeks and 2 days since I blogged.

Look at my mama’s beautiful tree and how robust it looks.   It’s unyielding in it’s growth and I sense my mama’s resiliency and plucky personality every time I visit.   I named the tree Maizy.   I have a feeling that Maizy is going to grow up to be quite striking, and many school children will run around her, and perhaps even picnic and use Maizy for shade from the hot sun.  Time will tell.

I don’t understand how I forgot about my blog.   I don’t even know if anybody will still read what I have to say.

They say history repeats itself.    Last year I had to defer Marine Corps Marathon.   That dang achilles tendonitis.   I still traveled to DC to cheer on my friends and have fun at the tweet ups and meet ups.   Well, this year my achilles tendonitis has made a dramatic but very unwanted return.    Not sure what caused it to come back.   I mean I have some theories but hopefully, some PT and RICE will help.     Plus cycling.   This year, I really “need” to be at the starting line of MCM.   It’s not something I can explain with words alone.   It’s a sense I have.   A feeling.   Something that, if I do complete, will complete me.   Yes, sounds all hokey and cliche but there you have it.

In the mean time, I have nothing to say about how my running is/was going.   It’s as if I haven’t run in years.   And that is really sad.   Because, I’ve been a runner for years.  And I love running.   Yet, right now I am not feeling it.   It feels as though running was snatched out of my closed hands.   And I can’t seem to grab it back into my soul.    It’s dangling out there.  Literally right in front of me but I can’t reach it.    I have been thinking about taking a break from Dailymile.  As much as I love it, its a reminder.    As is twitter.   I love reading about all of my friends running and training.  I really do.   I just don’t feel it.    And because I don’t feel it, its very hard to be enthusiastic with my commenting.

Twenty five weeks ago today I lost my mama.   And I lost my run.   I lost the feeling of wanting to wake up early to run before it gets too hot.   I just don’t really care.   I am trying to find myself.   Find out who I am without my mama in this world.   Every Friday night after I light my Shabbat candles, I talk to her.   I know she hears me.   It’s interesting that I said “my” Shabbat candles.   They were her Shabbat candles for as long as I can remember.    There are some days that I miss her so much.    And there are other days where I remember something funny she said or did and I smile.    Giggle even.

Losing my run is not a tragedy.   But, I feel distressed over it.   I have lots to figure out.    When I cross the finish line at MCM, WOW.   Not sure what will even happen then.   In the meantime, I get through each day and hope I get through the next day better than the day before.   I was texting with @pigtailsflying last week and I love love love this quote that she hit me with.   “Sometimes we are awesome. Other times we are awesome waiting to happen. TK”.   Also, you must read her latest blog post.   OUTSTANDING.

I’ve been reading a lot.  I’ve been baking.   Writing.   Learning about wine.  Experimenting with different recipes.   Even creating my own.   I try to stay social.   Last night for the first time I went to karaoke with my co-workers.   I thought I would stay for 1 hour, but I ended up having so much fun I stayed for 2 hours.  I am even fixing up my apartment.   Bathroom first.    Then kitchen.   Who knows, after all that I may decided to sell and move.    The skies the limit right?

I think I will try to blog more.   I am still Runnin’ Down A Dream, just not sure what that dream is right now.


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10 Comments leave one →
  1. August 15, 2011 10:46 pm

    welcome back to the blogosphere

  2. August 15, 2011 11:46 pm

    Michelle, it takes an awful long time to recover from a broken heart. I’m still getting over mine and it’s been nearly 10 months now. As my acupuncturist once told me, we have a certain amount of Qi (energy) to use each day. We can’t generate more Qi, we just use what we have and get more the next day. So if your Qi is being used first to heal your emotions and your soul, it’s going to have very little left over to give to your running. Let your Qi do its thing on your heart. Then, when its work there is done, it will turn to your feeet, legs, and lungs–and you will get your Run back. I promise. You took care of your mama for years, now take care of yourself.

  3. michjoy61 permalink*
    August 16, 2011 12:05 am

    Thank you love. These words from you mean the world to me and make so much sense. I don’t have much Qi but I know I use it all up in a day. I even use it up in less than a day. I believe you. I will get my Run back. xoxoxox

  4. August 16, 2011 12:27 am

    Michelle, I miss your blog so much! You’re always so genuine, honest, and funny. Please blog more!!

  5. August 16, 2011 2:30 am

    I agree with TK (what a surprise! She is a smart lady!) You cared for you mom for so long, it’s time for you to find yourself and your place in this world. Moving, even if to a different unit in the same building is not a terrible idea. It will be hard to let go, but I’m sure it’s even harder having constant reminders of what you’ve lost.

  6. August 16, 2011 2:05 pm

    Michelle,
    I’m so glad you’re coming to MCM this year. I deferred last year too and I agree we have to run this one. And it will be great to see you again.
    Don’t worry about feeling like you have to always encourage. It’s ok to just soak it all in, and your desire for running will return at some point. No need to rush back.

  7. Linda V permalink
    August 17, 2011 1:03 am

    i have SO missed you!

  8. August 17, 2011 2:16 pm

    <3

  9. August 17, 2011 7:06 pm

    Losing a parent is one of the hardest things we’ll ever have to go through. And we’re lucky if we get to go through it (no parent should have to bury a child). Have enough patience to find your own way back, in your own time.

  10. August 17, 2011 7:10 pm

    you have your own life to live chica, not get out there and live it. that’s what mamma wants..

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