Guest Post – Numero Cuatro..
Michelle graciously (or foolishly? You decide) asked me to be a guest blogger here at her blog, Running Down a Dream, and she offered a number of enticements to get me to agree to guest blogging but the truth is she hadme at these three little words: “You can curse.”
I can curse?!1! Fucking-A!! Woo-hoo!
Shit fuck! Ass pussy! Dickwad nutsack!1! Dr. Nic!
Okay, now that that’s outta the way …
When somebody asks you to write for her blog, you do something you (well … I, anyroad) never do, which is actually think about what you’re gonna write. Because, hey, it’s okay if all of you out there think I’m a dick (full disclosure: It’s really not okay. And you’re a bigger dick for thinking it is), but what I write here at Michelle’s blog could also destroy poor, unsuspecting Michelle’s reputation for the rest of her natural life … if I do it right, that is. She could end up being shunned by friends and family – assuming she isn’t already – how the fuck would Iknow? (Man, I’m fucking loving this carte blanche for cursing!)
So as a guest, I gotta be all respectable, is the point, which is something I never have to worry about being when I write for my own blog whose name and url escape me at the moment but if you search Google using the term “n*ts@ck” my blog should be like the first or second hit you get, I would think. (And it can be revealed here – a Running Down a Dream EXCLUSIVE – that “n*ts@ck” = “notsock” – so EAT IT all you people who thought I was referring to my own nutsack in all those posts where I wrote n*ts@ck! You’re soooo vulgar! You really disgust me – to the very depths of my n*ts@ck! (ß That time, I meant “nutsack”.)
I suppose I should mention something about running since this is ostensibly a running blog. Okay.
I started running because I have Fat Eyes which means the eye doctor saw what he called “lipids” in my eyes and he was just being polite because in this instance “lipids” just meant “fat” and he probably said “lipids in my eyes” because he was afraid if he called my eyes “fat”, I’d say like, “Well, I’d rather have Fat Eyes than cellulitein my n*ts@ck, Dr. Pork-Nuts!”
But I knew he meant fat.
And having “lipids” in your eyes means you probably have high cholesterol, which I got checked and turns out I did. Have high cholesterol, that is.
So rather than go on liver-destroying drugs for my cholesterol – I have my own plans on ways to destroy my liver, thank you very much, and those plans are spelled “BE-EE-EE-AR” – I decided to run because in the course of having my cholesterol levels explained to me, my doctor must’ve mentioned about 5 times that runners have high levels of the GOOD cholesterol and love levels of the BAD.
So I started running so that I could continue to drink beer. End of running story.
And I would just like to point out to a certain someone – and no, I don’t mean Teh Marcy, I mean someone totally different, named … uh … Teh Darcy – that Dr. Fuckin NIC was never asked to be a guest blogger here so what the fuck? Why won’t you lurve me the way you lurve him? WHAT’S SO FUCKING GREAT ABOUTHIM?!1?