~ Raging Bitch ~
I am a raging bitch. Yes. And guess what? I am so proud of that fact.
As a raging bitch, I could use this time to think of ways to improve my running. I could lament over the fact that I #bonked and/or #failed my prescribed speed workout this past week. Probably for a few more days, I will think about it, but not beat myself up over it. There is a big difference there. I pretty much know what happened and I also know what I need to do to get it done next time.
After speaking to a friend who knows me and my running well, I feel a lot better. But, yet I still have feelings of confusion and even a bit of ambivalence towards my running. I feel both positive and negative. I both love and hate my running. Not the first time I’ve felt this way, and certainly not the last.
I’ve also had some feedback of running friends feeling sore, achey, grumbly, tired, perhaps a bit burnt out from their fall marathon training. Let’s face it, all these long runs and hours spent on our feet, sometimes take their toll. Sometimes. I then have other friends who are loving their training, doing amazing long runs and just finishing every workout with a smile on their faces. That’s swell. That is really awesome. I dig hearing and reading all about that.
At 50 days until #MCM it’s really now or never. I still feel confident. But, I also feel tired and wishing it was over already. This is not me complaining at all. This is me expressing how I feel.
Puzzled? Baffled? Disoriented?
The weirdness enters when you start to judge yourself for being confused. Then, instead of benefiting from this normal stage of “not knowing” you end up in endless rounds of self-talk, procrastination, and worry .
What IS confusion, really?
Technically speaking, it’s a state of mind in which the elements you are dealing with appear to be indiscriminately mixed, out of whack, or unable to be interpreted to your satisfaction.
Picasso puts it well: “The act of creation is first of all an act of destruction.”
Translation? Great breakthroughs emerge after times of dissolution, chaos, and confusion. Jump too quickly into the next thing and you may be short-circuiting a critical stage of the (yes, often uncomfortable) creative process.
Lao Tzu, one of China’s most revered sages, knew all about this phenomenon:
“I am a fool, oh yes, I am confused.
Other men are clear and bright.
But I alone am dim and weak.
Other men are sharp and clever,
But I alone am dull and stupid.
Oh, I drift like the waves of the sea,
Without direction, like the restless wind.”
Somehow, he knew that “things” needed to be a little mixed up for there to be sufficient space for something new to enter his life. He knew that sometimes it was wisest just to let life unfold — and that any attempt to clear up what he perceived to be confusion would only leave him with his old habits, patterns, and routines.
There is no need to fight confusion. Let it be.
So, that is what I am doing. I am letting it be. I am using the raging bitch inside of me to unleash whatever it is that is happening. I won’t keep myself locked up and miserable. Nope. Instead, I will embrace it all. I won’t feel frightened or upset or frustrated. As Novak Djokovic said today: I just closed my eyes and kept hitting that forehand.
I will close my eyes and keep running forward.
Every worthwhile accomplishment, big or little, has its stages of drudgery and triumph, a beginning, a struggle and a victory! Gandhi