~ No Time Soon ~
February 21st 2011 6.30pm – holding my mama’s hand.
Today is exactly 1 month. Wow. The time is escaping me. Every day that passes is one more day without my mama in this world. I am not saying its getting any easier, but somehow I am doing what I promised her I would do. Living? Being alright? I’ll be OK? Getting the things done that needs to be done when one passes on. The paperwork. The cancelling of things in her name. The returning of any checks in her name. All difficult and all things I don’t want to do.
Yet, I did them all. I am sure there will be more. And I know I will do what has to be done. I guess it’s called responsibility and being a grownup.
I’m trying to go back in time and remember her when she wasn’t sick. It’s a little hard for me to do this and that is upsetting me very much. So, I have to dig deeper into my brain and find the memories that I know are there.
Today, while in the midst of training for the Brooklyn Half Marathon, today I honored my mama with 2 simple workouts. Being that it is 30 days, I did a simple core workout of 30 each pushups, crunches, squats and 30 second plank. Then I ran 1 mile for 1 month. I ran that mile in 9.30. I was trying very hard to run a 9 minute mile, but as I was running my thoughts turned to my mama and somehow that slowed me down just a bit. I was holding my gift of a real arrowhead in my hand very tightly and that along with my thoughts just allowed me to cruise and run that 9.30 mile. When I was finished I looked up and said “that’s for you mama, I love you”
Tomorrow, I go back to training for real. I think I have a speed workout to do and I will give it my all. Whatever that all is tomorrow. In between all of that, I fell of my bike and thought I broke my shoulder and had to have emergency root canal on an infected tooth and gum. I was in terrible pain for 3 full days – pain that brought tears to my eyes. Pain, that I knew if my mama was here, would not feel so bad. She always had a way of making me feel better when I was sick.
In the Jewish religion there are various stages to mourning, but I am following my own stages. I honor my mama every single day. Just by thinking about her, loving her and remembering her. I’d like to share the poem I read at her funeral.
Please forgive me for this rambling post but this is what my mama wants you all to know today and everyday:
Do not stand at my grave and weep I am not there, I do not sleep
I am in a thousand winds that blow, I am the softly falling snow.
I am the gentle showers of rain, I am the fields of ripening grain.
I am in the morning hush, I am in the graceful rush of beautiful birds in circling flight,
I am the starshine of night.
I am the flowers that bloom, I am in a quiet room.
I am in the birds that sing, I am in each lovely thing.
Do not stand at my grave bereft, I am not there. I have not left.
Written in 1932 by Mary Elizabeth Frye