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~ No Time Soon ~

March 21, 2011

February 21st 2011 6.30pm – holding my mama’s hand.

Today is exactly 1 month.   Wow.   The time is escaping me.   Every day that passes is one more day without my mama in this world.   I am not saying its getting any easier, but somehow I am doing what I promised her I would do.   Living?   Being alright?   I’ll be OK?   Getting the things done that needs to be done when one passes on.   The paperwork.  The cancelling of things in her name.   The returning of any checks in her name.   All difficult and all things I don’t want to do. 

Yet, I did them all.   I am sure there will be more.   And I know I will do what has to be done.   I guess it’s called responsibility and being a grownup.  

I’m trying to go back in time and remember her when she wasn’t sick.   It’s a little hard for me to do this and that is upsetting me very much.   So, I have to dig deeper into my brain and find the memories that I know are there.  

Today, while in the midst of training for the Brooklyn Half Marathon, today I honored my mama with 2 simple workouts.  Being that it is 30 days, I did a simple core workout of 30 each pushups, crunches, squats and 30 second plank.    Then I ran 1 mile for 1 month.  I ran that mile in 9.30.   I was trying very hard to run a 9 minute mile, but as I was running my thoughts turned to my mama and somehow that slowed me down just a bit.   I was holding my gift of a real arrowhead in my hand very tightly and that along with my thoughts just allowed me to cruise and run that 9.30 mile.    When I was finished I looked up and said “that’s for you mama, I love you”

Tomorrow, I go back to training for real.   I think I have a speed workout to do and I will give it my all.  Whatever that all is tomorrow.   In between all of that, I fell of my bike and thought I broke my shoulder and had to have emergency root canal on an infected tooth and gum.  I was in terrible pain for 3 full days – pain that brought tears to my eyes.  Pain, that I knew if my mama was here, would not feel so bad.   She always had a way of making me feel better when I was sick.  

In the Jewish religion there are various stages to mourning, but I am following my own stages.   I honor my mama every single day.   Just by thinking about her, loving her and remembering her.   I’d like to share the poem I read at her funeral. 

Please forgive me for this rambling post but this is what my mama wants you all to know today and everyday:

Do not stand at my grave and weep I am not there, I do not sleep

I am in a thousand winds that blow, I am the softly falling snow.

I am the gentle showers of rain, I am the fields of ripening grain.

I am in the morning hush, I am in the graceful rush of beautiful birds in circling flight,

I am the starshine of night.

I am the flowers that bloom, I am in a quiet room.

I am in the birds that sing, I am in each lovely thing.

Do not stand at my grave bereft, I am not there.   I have not left.

Written in 1932 by Mary Elizabeth Frye



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8 Comments leave one →
  1. Pearlie permalink
    March 21, 2011 11:54 pm

    Very beautifully written, Michelle. Brought tears to my eyes reading. I’m sure your mama is so proud of you. We’re all here for you, my dear friend. Stay strong 🙂

  2. pawsitivelife permalink
    March 22, 2011 12:12 am

    Im so sorry for your loss. Im not sure what I would do if this happend to me during my training.. all the best

  3. Ally permalink
    March 22, 2011 12:27 am

    Beautiful. The picture speaks a thousand words. Love you girl

  4. March 22, 2011 12:45 am

    I love this post. And she would too! She would be so proud of you.

    Xoxo!! Thinking of you!!

  5. March 22, 2011 2:41 am

    beautifully written Michelle and a wonderful way to celebrate you mom.

  6. March 22, 2011 3:59 pm

    you do your momma proud, and us too 🙂

  7. April 4, 2011 11:14 am

    Beautiful sentiments, Michelle. Your mama was so lucky to have you, and you her.

  8. April 9, 2011 6:40 pm

    Hi – I have totally just come upon your blog by clicking through others but I wanted to offer my support as a total stranger.

    I lost a parent last year, so while I have no idea what exactly you’re going through I have shared a similar experience. The only think I can say, is that whatever stage of grief you’re in is the right one to be in and whatever thoughts you’re having are the right ones to have for you.

    Just wanted offer my support :). I hope this isn’t overly personal from a total stranger, but it’s a way for me to make sense of my own loss.

    All the best,
    Margot

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