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~ Fallin’ and Flyin’ and Fallin’ Again ~

April 4, 2011

A runner must run with dreams in his heart.” – Emil Zatopek


But, right now my dreams are angry.   And I can’t help it.   I guess I am going through a bit of emotional turmoil right now and I feel so confused.    I’m in the angry stage of grieving right now.   And that’s ok.  In fact, its grand.   It gives me something to focus my attention on and also something to fight through.   I don’t expect anybody to really understand exactly how I am feeling, and it’s alright if you don’t.   It’s what I have to work through.

Because of all this emotional angst I am experiencing, there are things in my life that are suffering.   I may not be the most fun to be around.   Maybe, I am not fun at all.  I’m alone, but not lonely because I don’t allow that.   I am happy to just be.   If I stumble upon a reminder of my mama in my home, and believe me there are many, I may cry, I may smile, I may laugh at a good memory.   And that’s alright.

With the Brooklyn Half Marathon 7 weeks away, I really want to try to put aside some of what I am feeling emotionally, and follow my awesome training plan that Coach Caleb made for me.    Or maybe even better, use my emotional turmoil and turn it into something positive.   My runs, as of late have not only been difficult, but sluggish and dragging.   I am not hydrating enough.  I am not eating healthy enough.  I am not doing any of the things I need to do to run healthy.   And lets face it, if your an emotional wreck, it almost always effects you physically.

I’ve been extremely tired.   Had to deal with emergency root canal that left me in pain and crying.  Have an on again, off again sore throat and cough and my sleeping patterns are way off.   I don’t feel 100% healthy, yet I can’t really pinpoint what exactly is ailing me.

Today, I completed a LSD 10 miler and I am mighty proud that I persevered and got the miles done.   Alone, a boring route and hardly any motivation, yet I pushed through and got it done.   It sure was Long and Slow.  Wednesday night, as long as I have two feet and a heartbeat, (heard this in a trailer of a movie, I forget which) I will be attending a speed workout over at Paragon Sports Nike Speed.  Should be lots of fun and intense.

I know that things will eventually fall into place and I also know or maybe think that at 6 weeks since my mama passed away, most people are not wanting to hear me talk about it anymore.   I may be wrong about that, and I hope I am wrong, but I probably won’t be bringing it up much anymore.

I am trying hard to not let this blog drift into obscurity but I am finding it difficult to find topics to blog about.   Hopefully, when my running is back up to where I want it to be, I will feel more determined to keep this blog going.   My life has taken a turn one way, and this blog is way at the other end of the road.   Very far.   Very far away.

And I feel very far away.   And so very tired.   I may hit the trail a bit myself.   But, not to worry, if you need me just HOLLA.




7 Comments leave one →
  1. April 4, 2011 12:15 am

    After losing my grandfather just shy of two weeks ago, I found myself full of emotions in my race yesterday — angry, sad, happy, emotional … it was like all the stages of grief in 6.2 miles. And today I feel so much better because of that. If you ever need to vent or talk about something, you know where to find me!

  2. April 4, 2011 12:34 am

    I totally understand what you are going through. I lost my mom 4 years ago next week and I lost my dad almost 2 years ago. The pain never goes away but it gets more manageable. There are many times that I want to pick up the phone and call…but I know there won’t be anyone there to answer.

    Try to cherish the moments you had, appreciate the moments that are yet to come, love each day for what it is because you don’t know how many more tomorrows there are. Hold your loved ones close and take care of yourself. Grieving is part of the process and it will help your heart heal. I hope your heart heals quickly.

  3. April 4, 2011 11:17 am

    I think you’re doing just fine in your grieving process, it’s different for everyone and the fact that you recognize you just have to allow it to go forward is the most important thing.
    Take some time for yourself and just be. We will be here when you get back!

  4. April 4, 2011 11:55 pm

    go tear some shit up, chica, and run. They’re both totally worth it….

  5. April 5, 2011 12:00 am

    Keep doing what you are doing and eventually things will fall back into place. Slowly but surely.

  6. Amy permalink
    April 10, 2011 4:47 pm

    Don’t ever feel like you have to stop talking about it, your friends care about you and they care about what is inside your head. Stay strong, M. hugs.

  7. April 14, 2011 1:56 am

    I just stumbled on your blog – I lost my mom a year ago and that greif carried me all season to completing my second half marathon. It gave me time alone to process, to cry, to remember, to grieve…all while running. sounds like you’re doing what you need to do…thanks for allowing me to find you. Be well!

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