~ The Situation ~
Wow, its been a while since I blogged. I thought it was about time to finally write a post in the new year. Hope you all had a great Holiday/New Year time. Goals and resolutions still being kept?
As I blogged on November 12th HATRun I announced that I would be running a 50k. And I was really excited about the prospect of the training all the way to the actual event plus getting to meet so many fellow friends and runners. And then I found myself in a situation that I was really hoping would get better. It hasn’t.
My mom had to spend 6 days in the hospital at the beginning of December. It was a very scary time for me because even though my mom has leukemia, she NEVER had to be hospitalized. So this was really her first experience in a hospital setting.
Many tests were given including a CAT scan of her brain. The results were age appropriate atrophy. Now we all know that atrophy is the partial or complete wasting away of a part of the body. The doctor told my sister and myself that most older people’s brains start to “look old”. There are changes that you wouldn’t see in a younger patient. However, not all older people’s lives are IMPACTED by those changes. Her life is IMPACTED by these changes and in turn my life is severely IMPACTED by the changes in my mom’s brain.
With all that said, and with a lot of discussion and thinking, I have decided to pull out of running HATRun. First, I am severely undertrained and don’t want to risk injury. I think my running is going really well right now and as a friend said to me, there will always be 50k races to run. Second, I simply can’t plan that far ahead. I am living one day at a time. What makes me really sad is the fact that I won’t even be able to attend the big Dailymile dinner planned the night before. In my mind, I know in the big picture its not that big a deal, but when you start to really look forward to something, even the smallest thing is the biggest deal.
My mom cannot be left alone in the apartment. So, right now I do have some help coming in, but because of the insurance my mom has, that will be ending sometime in February so I am now in the process of looking for help. I so don’t know what I am doing. I am not used to having people coming in and out of my home and neither is my mom. We have a physical therapist, speech therapist and a home health aid. I am not very good at telling people what to do, but yet I do it. I never really thought I would become my mom’s parent. I realize this may sound totally selfish, but sometimes, I need my mother to be a mother. But she can’t. I am a chef, caretaker, laundry doer, I am chief financial officer here at home. I am pretty much the boss. Sometimes, I see a glimpse of who my mother was, but then it goes away. She still has a good sense of humor and makes me laugh so I try to make her laugh. I love her and want her to live the rest of her life in comfort and knowing she is loved and cared for.
So, for now, I will focus on local races and just running when I can for as long as I can. The Manhattan Half Marathon is this Saturday and as long as my sister is here, I should be able to run it. My running is my therapy. It my “me” time. It is really and truly my only time that I am alone with my thoughts and alone, period. It has been so long since I have seen any of my friends twitter, dailymile, runners, non-runners. Sure, I have constant contact with everybody, but its never the same as spending real time IRL.
But, anybody that knows me, knows I am going to stay focused on the positives. If I focus on the negatives too much, the positives will diminish in my mind. My number one priority is my mother. Her health. And my family. Then, all else will fall into place, I think.
Now, I don’t know about you guys, but I am getting tired of this long long winter. Snow snow and more snow. Make it STOP!!!!
In the meantime, I am embracing every pretty day I can. Life is meant to live. So don’t feel badly for me or my SITUATION!!! OK?
He who has a why to live can bear almost any how.